Monday, November 29, 2010

Technicality

I got into an accident a while ago. Besides leaving me shaking shitless in shock (otherwise unbruised and without a scratch- grateful i am for this), and besides some other things that went through my mind as the result of being stranded alone by the highway without anything to do and being the spectacle of passing cars (no book to read and no music to listen to because all my stuff were in the trunk which was smashed right into the back seat hence rendered inaccessible); it made me realize how much I am dependent on my father. As i got out of the car and was able to steady myself on my feet, the first instinct was: call dad.

This happens with anything mechanical or technical- things like the car breaking down, buying an insurance or even changing the light bulb and going to the bank when i was younger. I know my dad sees the role of provider as the definition of a father, and to him these are things he does (and must do) for his children. And of course daughters must have this sense about their father- one they can run to for protection and one to call for help. I do like this feeling of safety of having that one person i could turn to whom would come running without fail. But....

Yes, of course there has to be a but in this story. The feminist that I may be (I don't freely claim myself so, but people have made associations between me and this character), took the liberty to extend the context from father to men in general. The conversation in my mind went something like this: "how is it that when something like this happens, your first reaction is to call a man for help?" "why can't we just rely on ourselves?" "oh wait, because we know jack shit about cars or what to do in the aftermath of an accident, that's why".
Yes, now you may suggest a Narcissus in me- so high and mighty yet self-destructive. I know I must count my blessing and accept assistance and not be too proud to ask for help and I am thankful to have someone I can call in these kind of situations, but ideally, I would also like to have the choice of not calling because I have the knowledge and skills to do what is required in said situations. I mean it is nice to know you have someone to fall back to but realistically you can't expect them to be tugging at your sleeve at all times, can you? Having said that, and despite having been involved in a pretty messed up accident, I still haven't learnt- God help me if I have a flat. See?

That is however not the end of my mental debate and wandering mind though. As I have mentioned earlier, the atmosphere was one that is only good to inject boredom and toy with your head as the only source of entertainment/sanity. I was close to losing my mind waiting for hours for the tow truck by the roadside with absolutely nothing to do, a dying phone and the clock counting down my weekend.

Then I quizzed myself. I asked, "say if dad was away and couldn't come, who would you call next?" That's easy though. I have three brothers I could call. My mind left me a while after that- probably thinking of how the conversation with each of my three brothers would go. Then the pause was broken with another question: "who next? if your brothers too can't make it. who else do you have?" This of course is not a direct question. My mind was not merely implying who else, rather what other men. And to that I have no answer.

And that was when this lonely girl stepped out and said "damn it! i wish i had a boy friend." Hold it if you were about to get excited, because please notice the separation when i spell boy friend. That's right.
I want a guy bestfriend. Wouldn't it be awesome to have a guy I can be completely comfortable with like I'm with my girlfriends and one I can ask for favors like I would from my brothers and one I can have to make my boyfriend jealous? Where do they make these guys?

From there, we (me and my mind) moved on to be reminded about my most recent crush. And with all the time and boredom in my hands, I can't help but imagine if one of the passing cars would carry him and he would notice me all alone stranded by my wrecked car and he'd stop and offer some kind of help and from there we'll see where it will take us. But of course it all stayed in my imagination.
I don't want a relationship (at least not right now), but I can't help the times when I feel alone and wish for someone by my side. And that is a wrong reason to have a relationship. Although if things progress at their own will and pace without the initiation or encouragement from my part, I guess I wouldn't feel much of a guilt.
I remember this one day quite clearly- I was in the most foul mood I can be but prior to that I have been thinking to myself it would be nice if I bump into him that day. Then by the law of Murphy, there he was- appearing before me when I couldn't muster a smile for all the anger and bitterness I had in me. As is the only way Murphy grants your wish- with a catch. We were walking in different directions. I saw him first and had this mixed feeling of "i hope he notices me- because i do want to see him" vs. "i hope he doesn't see me- because i don't want him to see me like this". But he saw me allright! Angry old lady and all. I didn't smile. In fact I was suddenly angered. I said (in silence of course) "gosh! be a man and ask me out already!" Yes, if I can be any more irrational than that. I was the one having a crush on him and I acted like he was the one with a crush on me and not making a move. I guess that's the thing with crushes- when the simple, small pleasure of bumping into each other and catching a glimpse and exchanging smiles are no longer enough to sustain the giddy sweetness.

If I fall out of crush on this one, I'll live. I always fall for the wrong guy anyway.

But I mean it about that guy bestfriend. Where does a girl find one? Do you know?

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