Monday, December 08, 2008

why i work alone

i am not fond of group work, especially one that involves all girls; sub-especially all malay girls. recent experience has strengthened my past similar experiences. if you are about to say: thought you'd have learned from the past, o wise amy, i will tell you now, it was a painful choice to agree to. i could have chosen otherwise, but obligation tends to tie you.

this particular group work involved doing something that i have never in my life done and never in a million year imagined doing. i did like the idea of challenging myself. it was hard at first- nobody seemed to want to really help and i didn't quite communicate my need for help effectively, so it was initially understandable. i know the nature of my inner working is to do things by myself and that was what i did- i taught myself how to do it. i wouldn't lie, i did not produce miracle, but it was a breakthrough for me. i still struggled at doing it in the group, and i put my effort into asking. this is a rare occurrence, i can tell you that much. i know they perceive me as one who manages on her own, but i have made it plain simple that i need some kind of assistance. it did take quite a lot from me- to ask. it feels somewhat awkward, to have to ask.

i kept asking anyway, because the obvious truth is that if i don't learn how to be good at it, i will be the cause of the failure of the task. for every time i asked, annoyance and irritation were laid, layer upon layer. that, and the realization of how self-absorbed some of them are. a few of them tried to be helpful, as much as they knew how, and i greatly appreciate the gesture, however they were not the top players of the task themselves, and i understand they need to care for their own responsibility. eventually it came down to a one-woman show among the few of those players. "i only care that i be the one who outshine the rest of these people that make the group." yeah, sure you don't care if the group failed because the scapegoat is me.

i find that the only way you can come out of it without feeling "what the fuck?group work?" is when you are one of them yourself. this is based upon years of observation. if you are just not from the blend, it would not matter how much effort you make to learn the way to blend or to temporarily allow yourself to be blendable- they would not recognize.

i do not disregard the possibility of blowing this out of proportion by looking at only a small corner of it through a magnifying glass- because there is a particular girl in the group whom my reactions toward most of her actions are rolling of the eyeballs, highly suppressed sarcastic laugh, and unexplained annoyance. i am sure we all have someone we just are not fond of for no particular reason. but in this story, she wasn't the only one acting that way, so....

i care enough to pen this down because it has been roaming in my head, constantly reminding me to do so. i think more than being annoyed and irritated, what bothers me most is how exhausting and dissapointing it is to throw yourself out of your comfort zone, asking for assistance, wanting to do better, and be ignored; more so when it was suppposed to be about teamwork.

on a personal level, it gives me more reason to have pessimistic outlook on people. but it does not demotivate me to ask for help when i need one, because i believe people cannot read minds except for a few mentalists and psychics, but i doubt i'd meet them in my lifetime.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahh,.. PEOPLE. all the more reasons to be asocial! (i'm not sure how its spelled hehe)

1:31 PM  

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